Enlightened Courtship

My ability to stay two steps behind current technology is legendary - just ask my kids. I also lag behind social change, probably because much of it doesn't make sense to me. The impact of communications technology and the sexual revolution on personal relationships is one of the issues I haven't quite caught up with.

Social mores that encourage "hooking up" and having "friends with benefits" put emotional commitment and sexuality in separate compartments. The new "morality" is facilitated by cell phones and texting that provide an ever-present, fast and impersonal way to arrange contacts. According to New York Times columnist David Brooks, people can "be on the verge of spending an evening with one partner, when a text arrives from another with a potentially better offer. The atmosphere is fluid, like an eBay auction."

This certainly isn't universal conduct, but that's not the point. The point is that it's acceptable behavior.

Brooks notes that "Once upon a time - in what we might think of as the "Happy Days" era - courtship was governed by a set of guardrails. Potential partners generally met within the context of larger social institutions: neighborhoods, schools, workplaces and families. There were certain accepted social scripts. The purpose of the scripts was to guide young people on the path from short-term desire to long-term commitment."

He neglected to include churches as one of the "larger social institutions" and the role they had in establishing social values. An inadvertent oversight, I'm sure.

Along the path to a long-term (think marriage) relationship, consummation was a big deal and it was ideally put off until the honeymoon. It involved sharing a personal and closely guarded part of your being and it expressed deep mutual commitment. This certainly wasn't universal conduct, either, but at least it established a framewok where sex was more consequential than riding a roller coaster or going to a concert.

Why was this? Fear of unwanted pregnancy - which was also a big deal - was part of it. But more fundamentally, humans are hardwired to know that sex is special. Look around: how often do we see infidelity lead to damaged marriages, divorce, children raised amid hatred between separated parents, violence and even murder. Unfaithfulness is a staple in "Dear Abby."

Brooks notes that "Over the past few decades, (the) social scripts became obsolete. So the search was on for more enlightened courtship rules." The definition of "enlightened" that applies here is "freed from ignorance, prejudice or superstition" as we discard traditional values and stridently march into a future free of restraint.

Mankind's makeup is on display in the Bible and his nature hasn't changed a bit since it was written, not even in the last few decades. God teaches us to embrace self control, treat others with love and respect, and avoid promiscuousness.

He doesn't suggest we romp around like stray dogs, callously using other people as objects free from commitment or responsibility. We can go down that road, but a price will be paid in bad relationships, distrust, hate, insecurity and insatiable selfishness.

There's another definition of "enlightened." It's "given spiritual or religious revelation." People would be truly enlightened if they'd shut out the cultural noise, think about what they're doing, and consider the impact of Christian teaching. Controlling fleeting desires because of loyalty, love and respect for another person helps build solid, mutually supportive relationships that last a lifetime. And it focuses people on something bigger than the next one night stand.

We're gorging ourselves like kids in a candy store. "Enlightenment" won't come by eating more or different candy, or ingesting it with a different style. It'll come (back) when we control ourselves sensibly. God enlightens us by showing us how to avoid the havoc our desires can create because he knows man's unchanging nature.

If we listen.


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